Not ill enough for a sick day unless you’re dead
There's a bit of a furor at the moment about a cough medicine advert and the accompanying website which foolishly encourages people to stay at home when they are ill.
Obviously the fuss is from the owners of companies who don't want to lose out on productivity. This may seem a Dickensian sort of work ethic, rather at odds with modern medical thinking, which suggests that taking time off cuts long-term illness and its spread around the office but it makes perfect sense.
Only by coming to work can sick people spray the filthy brown waste that shoots out of one end of their body and the lumpy green effluent that's ejected from the other into the mouths, ears and eyes of their virus hungry colleagues. This vital act of sharing is exceptionally important to company morale, scientifically proven to be 100% more effective as a team building exercise than setting fire to the office.
I genuinely believe 'Stay At Home Simons' as no-one is calling them, will with their selfish desire for rest and recuperation, tip our already unstable economy into the mouth of madness.
So if you are feeling a little under the weather or if your lungs are hanging out of your rectum, be part of the solution, not the problem and go to work because if you don't you might as well change your name to Hitler.
No sex or violence. Or fun.
I have a friend who works in one of those multi-national corporations. You know the type, they make enough money every ten minutes to eradicate world hunger but spend it on branded paper clips. It's the kind of place where your emails are filtered for key words which might suggest creative thought, political feelings or any type of individualism.
So when I email him he often reminds me to be careful what I write, so as not to get him in trouble. Of course that's like asking Hitler to become a Rabbi; unlikely, for so many reasons.
In my desire not to lose him his job I manage to restrain but have often been given pause for thought as to what the least 'safe for work' email might contain. Presuming the exclusion of images and expletives, which would lead to the message being automatically filtered, I like to think it would be something like this:
Hi mate
How was your weekend? Did you manage to bury that little girl's body OK? I know the spot I recommended is pretty isolated but you do get the occasional dog walker, should be OK though.
I had a pretty chilled out one, spent Saturday fisting a dwarf with a severed pigs trotter in a synagogue. Then on Sunday we did some gardening and watched a video. That one you made with your brother, where you violate the unborn baby. It really got us both in the mood ; )
Quick question, when you hit your wife does it make her cook better? I always presume it does but I'd like to be sure.
Anyway have a good day
Lex
That's just off the top of my head, if you're reading this and you think you can improve on it send an email to lex@lexgenn.com and if any are particularly amazing I'll publish them here.