What I do mind is that I missed the Secret Santa present giving. As Christ himself said, "The festive season is all about getting stuff and the more you can get the better".

I was quite perturbed to have missed out on an extra gift. I assumed that in the drunken frenzy of the party it had been opened, eaten and/or soiled by someone else, which is to be expected.

So imagine my surprise (go on I dare you, imagine it) when on my return to work in January it was given to me belatedly.
"How cool," I thought, as the holiday rusted gears of my brain struggled to turn, "bonus present!".

Then I opened it and it was like someone had crept inside my brain and defecated on my joy centre.

Fun! Like cutting out your own eyes.

I held in my hand what appeared to be a Rubik's Cube missing it's colours. Each side as ghostly white as the last. It was like someone had thought about the best way to destroy the minimal fun to be had from it and, armed only with bleach and a psychotic level of attention to detail, set about turning it albino. Clearly not content with reducing the former toy to a faceless cube, the same fun assassin had then put a number on each section. After all everyone knows how great it is to play with numbers.

I looked at it for ages, just trying to understand what it was, turning it over and over. Then I saw the legend 'Sudoku Cube' and finally understood. I understood how pointless is our existence on this planet and how we are as dust and ashes. A single tear pearled on my cheek but I wiped it away, fearing the cube would sense my weakness and kill me.