Real Vampires. Real Fear…and Twilight
Vampires are real. Yes they are. This is not some online conspiracy theory. Nor is it a tall tail. It is a simple fact.
I'm not telling you that UFOs are abducting people. I'm not trying to convince you that people are turning into wolves underneath a full moon, I won't insult your intelligence. However, there is one who walks amongst us, a spectral creature of the night, who likely feasts on blood and disappears as smoke in the night. He is come.
Bee keeper or Vampire? You decide. No, actually I decide. He's a vampire.
Granted he doesn't look like your typical vision of a vampire. No sharp teeth. Conspicuous lack of cape. And I suspect, a somewhat underdeveloped ability to attract impressionable young virgins with his raw, sexual energy. But the fact remains, he is a vampire.
He may not have been seen drinking blood or turning into a bat for japes. He may be fine with crucifixes. However that proves nothing, as over the years numerous cultural interpretations of vampires have shown us a huge variety of differing, often conflicting, abilities, strengths and weaknesses. The latest incarnation being from the Twilight films, in which vampires are pretty teens with nice sharp teeth that are slightly whiter than usual, who brood occasionally and quite like forests but not parents. I'd like to put one of them in a locked room with Christopher Lee or Max Shreck. Then we'd see who's the real vampire and who is a stain of fear, tears and excreta that no-one could can bothered to wipe up.
Anyway, the boy pictured is a proven vampire, not because of his fear of holy water (Simon Cowell), or sleeping in a coffin (Peter Mandleson) but because he can't be out in the sun too long or his skin burns JUST LIKE A VAMPIRE. In fact he constantly has to wear Factor 50 sun cream - EVEN INDOORS. That clearly proves it. He is truly one of the un-dead. I imagine the local pitch fork and fiery torch businesses are booming in his home town, which can only be good for the economy.
So there you have it, concrete proof. And the story of a little boy with an unusual skin condition, used as a weak excuse for some tedious ramblings. I think we all know who the real monster is here. The boy. Obviously. He's a bloody vampire.
Read about it here, if you really must. But don''t blame me for how dull life really is.
Was Christ’s Cross Made of Sustainable Wood?
My girlfriend is ‘green’. Do you know what it’s like to live with someone green?
I’m not asking if you know what it’s like living with the Incredible Hulk because I know what that would be like. Your time would be spent between the self-centred mood swings and incomprehensible quantum musings of Dr Banner and very expensive re-construction bills.
Neither am I asking you whether you have any idea what it would be like living with Kermit The Frog. I know that would make getting up in the morning a breath of joy as his joyfully light-hearted, life-proof spirit lifted even the darkest clouds. Although, thinking about the possibility of Miss Piggy coming around, that might be difficult. You know when you’re flat-sharing and your flat-mate has a ‘special friend’ and they are in the bedroom? And you can hear them? I think if I could hear Miss Piggy and Kermit I would be quite mentally scarred. I’m not sure anything prepares you for that.
Neither am I asking you what it might be like to live with the Jolly Green Giant. That would be ridiculous, he doesn’t exist, he’s just a cartoon advert.
No I’m talking 'eco-green'. These days most people are at least some shade of green but those, like my special girl, who have always been green, used to be mocked as silly hippies who valued badgers over people and had all the scientific understanding of ham. But it turned out they were right.
They were right. And so a nod of appreciation because not once have I heard an “I told you so” or anything like it, from her any other long-term green. They’re just happy to see you buying energy saving light bulbs.
Can you imagine if any other group, with a huge number of devotees but nevertheless ignored by the mainstream had finally been proved right? If for example, the Jehovah’s Witnesses actually had some scientific evidence to point to? Can you imagine how unbearable they would be? They’re already on my doorstep most weekend mornings. I imagine I would wake up and they’d be sitting on the end of the bed pointing at a grainy but independently validated photo of Christ walking on water juggling eight hundred loaves of fish. They would be talking in tongues but I would understand. Then I would realise I wasn’t on the bed but a huge wooden crucifix; and burnt into the top of the cross would be one word...‘See?’