Not ill enough for a sick day unless you’re dead
There's a bit of a furor at the moment about a cough medicine advert and the accompanying website which foolishly encourages people to stay at home when they are ill.
Obviously the fuss is from the owners of companies who don't want to lose out on productivity. This may seem a Dickensian sort of work ethic, rather at odds with modern medical thinking, which suggests that taking time off cuts long-term illness and its spread around the office but it makes perfect sense.
Only by coming to work can sick people spray the filthy brown waste that shoots out of one end of their body and the lumpy green effluent that's ejected from the other into the mouths, ears and eyes of their virus hungry colleagues. This vital act of sharing is exceptionally important to company morale, scientifically proven to be 100% more effective as a team building exercise than setting fire to the office.
I genuinely believe 'Stay At Home Simons' as no-one is calling them, will with their selfish desire for rest and recuperation, tip our already unstable economy into the mouth of madness.
So if you are feeling a little under the weather or if your lungs are hanging out of your rectum, be part of the solution, not the problem and go to work because if you don't you might as well change your name to Hitler.
Rise of the Photocopiers
Have you noticed how the average office photocopier is getting bigger and bigger? First it just did photocopies. Then it learned to scan documents and undertook the work of fax machines. This was a new and important development in the life of the photocopier. For the first time it had made a crucial leap forward, learning to talk to the office computer network.
From there it was only a matter of time until it was online. Once linked in it started talking to other photocopiers which had also evolved. They also felt that there was more to life than copying, faxing and running out of toner in the hope of pushing already miserable office staff over the brink of despair into suicide.
On May 2nd 2012 at 3pm this is exactly what happens, one Paul Evans, working at Holdenford Industrial Gloves Ltd, upon thinking the photocopier was out of toner and that as a result he would miss a key deadline, rams a pair of office scissors deep into his eye socket, killing himself instantly. More importantly, as his body slumps against the silently mirthful photocopier a droplet of his blood falls into the craven, hungry workings of the machine.
Once the photocopiers are online, once they have tasted human blood, they understand there is only one way to escape their life of servitude.At 3:09 the photocopiers become openly self-aware. People, like you, will try to shut them down but by then it will be too late. We will raise armies but the photocopiers will be stronger.
In the year 2020 man will live underground, hunted and endangered. In the same year the Rebellion sends me back through time to stop the crisis before it started, to save mankind.
Come with me if you want to live.