Abba Will Kill Me
I'm going for sushi tonight. It's highly likely that while I am there someone will kill me. There won't be any fuss. It will be very quiet, it won't happen immediately but my fate will be sealed.
Of course I'm not talking about my lovely girlfriend who'll be there without, I hope, murderous intent. No I'm talking about the Polonium B pushing Russian secret service. They are going to kill me, I know this because what I am about to write is the kind of information that could bring Russia crashing to it's knees.
I could forget what I know. I could look the other way. I could. But I won't. I owe it it to you. I owe it to myself.
So, this is it. Four little words: Putin danced to Abba.
"Whoa! Get down! If you ever speak of this I'll make a hat from your lungs"
There, I've done it, that is a relief. He denies it of course. As would anyone who had danced to Abba, (yes, yes, it's great pop, but it's still as musically interesting as sand) or who set up a private concert with Abba tributary Bjorn Again.
God bless.
Read it here last.
RIP Captain Birds Eye
The actor who played the original Captain Birds Eye has died. No jokes about him being made into fish fingers as his last request please. Let’s show a little respect for a Captain who in 1993 was voted the most recognised captain after Captain Cook in a UK poll.
Quite an achievement but for me it puts his death in a new light. Think about it, Captain Kirk didn’t even get to second place. He must have been pretty bitter about that. I detect a motive. Where was William Shatner the night Captain Birds Eye died? I’m sure he claims he was somewhere else advertising cereal but with access to a teleporter, who knows?
That Captain Cook came first is a surprise, who would even recognise him? Now Captain Hook, that’s a different matter, he’s very memorable; curly hair, fear of clocks, massive hook obviously, very distinct. Now that I think about it, he’s another one with a motive.
Then there's Captain Caveman. Say what you like, he's a savage. Sure it's all little pink dinosaurs here and saving the day there but don't tell me that sometimes his Neanderthal rage doesn't bubble to the surface with the force of a volcano. He could have hidden the corpse in his club.
Anyway, he'll be missed.