Real Vampires. Real Fear…and Twilight
Vampires are real. Yes they are. This is not some online conspiracy theory. Nor is it a tall tail. It is a simple fact.
I'm not telling you that UFOs are abducting people. I'm not trying to convince you that people are turning into wolves underneath a full moon, I won't insult your intelligence. However, there is one who walks amongst us, a spectral creature of the night, who likely feasts on blood and disappears as smoke in the night. He is come.
Bee keeper or Vampire? You decide. No, actually I decide. He's a vampire.
Granted he doesn't look like your typical vision of a vampire. No sharp teeth. Conspicuous lack of cape. And I suspect, a somewhat underdeveloped ability to attract impressionable young virgins with his raw, sexual energy. But the fact remains, he is a vampire.
He may not have been seen drinking blood or turning into a bat for japes. He may be fine with crucifixes. However that proves nothing, as over the years numerous cultural interpretations of vampires have shown us a huge variety of differing, often conflicting, abilities, strengths and weaknesses.
The latest incarnation being from the Twilight films, in which vampires are pretty teens with nice sharp teeth that are slightly whiter than usual, who brood occasionally and quite like forests but not parents. I'd like to put one of them in a locked room with Christopher Lee or Max Shreck. Then we'd see who's the real vampire and who is a stain of fear, tears and excreta that no-one could can bothered to wipe up.
Anyway, the boy pictured is a proven vampire, not because of his fear of holy water (Simon Cowell), or sleeping in a coffin (Peter Mandleson) but because he can't be out in the sun too long or his skin burns JUST LIKE A VAMPIRE. In fact he constantly has to wear Factor 50 sun cream - EVEN INDOORS. That clearly proves it. He is truly one of the un-dead. I imagine the local pitch fork and fiery torch businesses are booming in his home town, which can only be good for the economy.
So there you have it, concrete proof. And the story of a little boy with an unusual skin condition, used as a weak excuse for some tedious ramblings. I think we all know who the real monster is here. The boy. Obviously. He's a bloody vampire.
Read about it here, if you really must. But don''t blame me for how dull life really is.
Not ill enough for a sick day unless you’re dead
There's a bit of a furor at the moment about a cough medicine advert and the accompanying website which foolishly encourages people to stay at home when they are ill.
Obviously the fuss is from the owners of companies who don't want to lose out on productivity. This may seem a Dickensian sort of work ethic, rather at odds with modern medical thinking, which suggests that taking time off cuts long-term illness and its spread around the office but it makes perfect sense.
Only by coming to work can sick people spray the filthy brown waste that shoots out of one end of their body and the lumpy green effluent that's ejected from the other into the mouths, ears and eyes of their virus hungry colleagues. This vital act of sharing is exceptionally important to company morale, scientifically proven to be 100% more effective as a team building exercise than setting fire to the office.
I genuinely believe 'Stay At Home Simons' as no-one is calling them, will with their selfish desire for rest and recuperation, tip our already unstable economy into the mouth of madness.
So if you are feeling a little under the weather or if your lungs are hanging out of your rectum, be part of the solution, not the problem and go to work because if you don't you might as well change your name to Hitler.