Was Christ’s Cross Made of Sustainable Wood?
My girlfriend is ‘green’. Do you know what it’s like to live with someone green?
I’m not asking if you know what it’s like living with the Incredible Hulk because I know what that would be like. Your time would be spent between the self-centred mood swings and incomprehensible quantum musings of Dr Banner and very expensive re-construction bills.
Neither am I asking you whether you have any idea what it would be like living with Kermit The Frog. I know that would make getting up in the morning a breath of joy as his joyfully light-hearted, life-proof spirit lifted even the darkest clouds. Although, thinking about the possibility of Miss Piggy coming around, that might be difficult. You know when you’re flat-sharing and your flat-mate has a ‘special friend’ and they are in the bedroom? And you can hear them? I think if I could hear Miss Piggy and Kermit I would be quite mentally scarred. I’m not sure anything prepares you for that.
Neither am I asking you what it might be like to live with the Jolly Green Giant. That would be ridiculous, he doesn’t exist, he’s just a cartoon advert.
No I’m talking 'eco-green'. These days most people are at least some shade of green but those, like my special girl, who have always been green, used to be mocked as silly hippies who valued badgers over people and had all the scientific understanding of ham. But it turned out they were right.
They were right. And so a nod of appreciation because not once have I heard an “I told you so” or anything like it, from her any other long-term green. They’re just happy to see you buying energy saving light bulbs.
Can you imagine if any other group, with a huge number of devotees but nevertheless ignored by the mainstream had finally been proved right? If for example, the Jehovah’s Witnesses actually had some scientific evidence to point to? Can you imagine how unbearable they would be? They’re already on my doorstep most weekend mornings. I imagine I would wake up and they’d be sitting on the end of the bed pointing at a grainy but independently validated photo of Christ walking on water juggling eight hundred loaves of fish. They would be talking in tongues but I would understand. Then I would realise I wasn’t on the bed but a huge wooden crucifix; and burnt into the top of the cross would be one word...‘See?’
Election Fever
It's a funny thing because I consider myself relatively politically informed, aware and interested. I say relatively because most of my generation have made political apathy a life vocation, or at least they would if they could be bothered. The thing is, I've been reading up on all the candidates, trying to find reasons to vote for one. Here's the run down:
First there are the easy strike-offs:
The BNP who are still looking conspicuously uncomfortable in suits. Like if you put a bow tie on a snake, it looks OK, but you know something's not right. They are apparently keen that the "real Londoner" be put first. I think this would be a very sensible policy, if they meant that real Londoners should come before imaginary Londoners, but I don't think they mean that. I really don't.
Then there's 'Christian Choice'. I'm sure they have their hearts in the right place but I think God should stay out of politics and I'm sure he agrees with me; because he told me.
Then there's UKIP, whose name reminds me of kippers although being a mature adult I can see past that. Just. A vote for them is also about saying a big fat 'NO' to Europe. As if Europe is some kind of demon on our doorstep waiting to envelope us. They seem terrified that greater involvement will mean
we'll all be forced to wear berets, our soap will smell of garlic and beer will only be available by the cubic millimetre; and then, just like the French and Germans, we will start eating babies and raping post boxes.There's a Green candidate who is talking a lot of sense. And if you're at a loss for what to do it's not a bad vote but for me, the problem is, while green issues are more important than anything else at the moment, I can't bring myself to vote for a single issue party. I always wonder what they do about everything else. I imagine a conversation at some point in the future...
"Hooray, we've stabilised global food output against consumption and normalised global warming!""Great! So what are we going to do about the NHS?"
"Er...Look a Chaffinch!" Cue sound of hurried footsteps receding into the distance.
So that's my problem there. Which isn't going to make me popular with a lot of people, my girlfriend included.
There's a new thing called the English Democrats. They seem very concerned that our taxes are being spent in Scotland, convincing us with clever alliteration "Save London from Labour's Tartan Taxes". They are "Not Left or Right, just English"
and they want to make St George's day a national holiday. I don't think anyone takes the guy seriously including himself but I'm tempted to vote for him just because in his photo he looks like a strangely self-assured failed porn star. Wearing Marx's beard is the 'Left List'. To be honest there's not much wrong with this lot. Socialism is the opposite of capitalism and capitalism is what drives us all to want what we can't have, hate ourselves for not being celebrities and spend all our money on crap. Socialism makes sure everyone is looked after. It's as simple as that. So I like it. In theory. Unfortunately I don't think it's ever been made to work properly and there's the problem. Whenever anyone is openly 'left' all people think of is Communist Russia crumbling, which seemed to prove Socialism didn't work. And we, the wide-eyed, self-congratulatory Capitalist West, jizzed ourselves with joy as internationally dominant burger restaurants and soft drinks companies moved in to start telling the Russian populace how much better life could be if they just bought their products. Of course all it proved was that Communist Russia didn't work, because it was corrupt. And that people like rat-burgers more than equality. I think it might be a wasted vote.So once you discount the single issues, wasted votes, flag wavers, Neo-Nazis and isolationists you are left with the usual suspects. Here they are with their pitch:
Lib Dem Brian wants: Safer Streets, safer public transport and safer green spaces. (point of difference: No more Heathrow expansion)
Labour 's Ken wants: Better public transport, improved environment and safer streets. (Point of difference: Job experience)
Tory Boris wants: Safer streets. Better, safer public transport and protected green spaces. (Point of difference - Scrap £25 Congestion Charge)
So that's why it's difficult to care or even drag yourself to the voting booth. All the main candidates are much of a muchness, apart from their little points of difference which are not enough to sway me either way really. They have all identified the issues that are important to us. They all have slightly different ideas on how to achieve the same things. The problem is, I have no idea who's ideas on how to achieve those things are best and why would I? I'm not a sociologist and I haven't studied environmental development. I haven't even got glasses like all brainy people do. I just don't know.
So all I can do is take a punt. Force myself to be interested, vote and remind myself it is key to exercising my right to complain. I suggest you do the same.
NOTE:
Brian Paddick (Lib Dem) will "Bring London's Public Transport into the 21st century"
If he means we are going to have flying cars, or teleporters he is getting my vote. If not, he's still a maybe.