in a galaxy far, far away

there was a parallel universe.

In that universe: Luke Skywalker was a gerbil, Princess Leia was a butterfly, Jabba the Hut was still a massive slug and Han Solo can be seen here:

It tastes exactly like carbonite.

Yes. It's a mouse someone found in some malt loaf. Must have been a great game of hide and seek. Bad place to hide though. Somewhere there's a very frustrated cat.

I like malt loaf. It's one of those things you're not suppsed to eat until you're at least 75. Still though by that time I should at least be able to cut it with a real working light sabre (mutters silent prayer to robo-god of the future).

If I'm still hungry I'll probably eat one of my girlfriend’s arms and then she’ll be all like, “Ow, ow, oh God, oh Jesus there's so much blood, there's so much blood, what the hell are you doing?! You ate my arm!”
And I'd be all like, “Nom, nom, nom, munch, chomp, chomp.”

She’ll be screaming and crying and stuff, and then eventually once I’m full, I might feel sorry. Maybe I would try to make it up to her by getting the little hand-held kitchen vacuum and shoving it into her bloody stump. It would probably still work because it’s cordless. Maybe we could find a way to charge it from her heart, that would be more eco-friendly, which is quite important to her.

But then after a while it probably wouldn't work and she might feint from the strain or blood loss or something. Then I would probably be sad and have some chips, which would ruin my diet and I really wouldn't appreciate her not helping, so maybe it’s worth her remembering that, so she can try to be less selfish in future.