Meat War
The world is changing. Countries that we in the developed world previously thought of as barbarous, and not even good for colonising, are starting to blossom. And by blossom I do of course mean, attempting to keep pace with the West, which of course must not be tolerated.
The most significant aspect of this change is that, as previously less well-off countries become richer, their populations demand the food the rest of the world enjoys. That's right, it's all about the meat. They're sick of rice or dust, or children's tears, or whatever it is they suck-up through their malformed feeding holes, and they want to eat the good stuff.
Yet as our brothers and sisters in newly 'rich' countries aim to draw level with us, our rightly bloated internet-conjoined, first-world ego demands we eat ever more unusual meat, just to remind them how much better than them we remain.
So, here are the top ten meat meals we should be eating to prove we are still best:
10. Golden-eagle burger with lion-cub-eye salsa.
9. Komodo dragon balls soup with ring tailed lemur paw cake.
8. White tiger curry with orang-u-nan.
7. Snow leopard chow mein and crispy blue whale blow hole pancakes.
6. Black rhino jerky, washed down with fresh panda essence (obtained using the extraction method favoured in the Dark Crystal).
But you know, the problem is, even when you're chomping down on the rarest meats, there's always going to be someone disproportionately rich in one of those "Look at us, look at, us we're not poor any more, (even though 87% of our population sleeps in an AIDS hat, on a crisis infested straw mat)", who can match you.
So with that in mind, we have to raise our game, go the extra mile and pull as many clichés as possible out of the virus-protected hat as possible. These are the foods to remind Johnny Third World just who is big bad ballsy best and who is a living crippled hope ....
5. Unicorn flavour Pringles, with Ewok dip
Unicorn - even comes with a free toothpick
4. Leprechaun bolognaise with shaved Obama-san
3. Ligur kebabs in pita bread made from the ground up bones of Saddam Hussein
2. Centaur au Vin
1. God and pickle sandwiches
Nom nom nom.
The Dangers of Dieting
I’m dieting at the moment. It’s a common story, I (still) need to lose the Christmas pounds and shouting at them doesn’t appear to be scaring them off. I had a tin of pea and ham soup for lunch. I might have to eat a piece of bread later. Otherwise I'll be ravenous when I get home and inhale dinner.
If I'm still hungry I'll probably eat one of my girlfriend’s arms and then she’ll be all like, “Ow, ow, oh God, oh Jesus there's so much blood, there's so much blood, what the hell are you doing?! You ate my arm!”
And I'd be all like, “Nom, nom, nom, munch, chomp, chomp.”
She’ll be screaming and crying and stuff, and then eventually once I’m full, I might feel sorry. Maybe I would try to make it up to her by getting the little hand-held kitchen vacuum and shoving it into her bloody stump. It would probably still work because it’s cordless. Maybe we could find a way to charge it from her heart, that would be more eco-friendly, which is quite important to her.
But then after a while it probably wouldn't work and she might feint from the strain or blood loss or something. Then I would probably be sad and have some chips, which would ruin my diet and I really wouldn't appreciate her not helping, so maybe it’s worth her remembering that, so she can try to be less selfish in future.