‘Mare Boris
I wrote this just after Boris became Mayor of London. For some reason it wasn't published. So here it is now
I have now come to terms with the result of the London Mayoral election. I do not understand what happened but I thought I knew the consequences. I expected the roads to be filled with cars, over-burdened with bags and valued belongings, hurriedly gathered from dwellings, doors left swinging in the wind. Indeed I thought the coming of Boris would be greeted with the joy and enthusiasm of any other unexpected natural disaster. Not so. Perhaps we’re all just waiting to see what happens
An actual photograph of my fears
I suppose with me it’s just fear of the unknown. Here are some of my fears:
In the year 2010 the streets burn. When Boris re-introduces smoking in public, the trouble begins. Anti-smoking riots spring up all over the country. All the previously calm people, who had for so long put up with breathing the smoke of inconsiderate people, maintaining their Rizla-thin patience with the thought of the coming ban, finally snap.
At first there will be small instances of raised voices in pubs. Then fights will break out in restaurants, mainly between courses. Finally there will be the burning down of a cigarette factory. When Boris is asked about this, his response will be, quite literally, incendiary
"I wish I'd known they were going to do it.” He'll grin “I would have organised helicopter rides above the factory for smokers to get a free lung-full. Ha ha flibbittyflipflop."
This will be the final flippant comment, the last in a long series following questions on serious issues:
When asked how he justified scrapping the congestion charge, despite its clear contribution to reducing London’s emissions…
“Ah, well, ha ha, you see if we make a congestion charge for the road we need to make one for your nose when you have a cold and are congested. Ha! You see, its madness! It had to go. Ha ha flibbittyflipflop.”
And on how banning all alcohol consumption on public transport might be enforced…
“Ah, well, yes, of course. No, what people mustn't do is focus on the negatives. This is a simple problem, all we have to do is train those little rats on the tube to bite people whenever they see them with booze! You see? Simple! Ha ha flibbittyflipflop.”
I suppose my fears are unreasonable but it feels like I live inside a glass ball and someone has given it to a bear to hold. And that the bear is dancing. And mad.