Tube Strike – Solved by Prostitutes?
There's going to be a tube strike.
Why? Because the RMT (Rail, Maritime and Transport Union) is sulking. They've asked for something and been told "no". In fact they've asked for a 5% pay rise and a promise of no redundancies over the coming year. In the current economic climate that's like a fat white kid, sitting in an Ethiopian dust bowl asking for a third slice of cake, while surround by living skeletons too weak to brush the diseased flies off their eyes.
Of course the problem for most people is how to get to work, so here are some suggestions:
Boris Jonson, who apparently, despite my repeatedly pinching and bitch-slapping myself, appears to be Mayor of London, has greatly increased the amount of public transport along the Thames. So I suggest everyone surf to work on the back of a nuclear submarine.
Harness the power of Bob Crow (Leader of the RMT) by strapping yourself to his back and making him fly you to work. Unless he isn't actually a crow, which I doubt. Otherwise why would he be called that?
There are going to be "escorts to lead cyclists across the capital". What a great idea. Who better to help you get to work than a high-class courtesan, with a beautiful body, cold dead eyes and nothing on her mind but the money in your wallet, and a brief break from the beatings of her pimp?
Or just don't go to work; you don't like it anyway.
‘Mare Boris
I wrote this just after Boris became Mayor of London. For some reason it wasn't published. So here it is now
I have now come to terms with the result of the London Mayoral election. I do not understand what happened but I thought I knew the consequences. I expected the roads to be filled with cars, over-burdened with bags and valued belongings, hurriedly gathered from dwellings, doors left swinging in the wind. Indeed I thought the coming of Boris would be greeted with the joy and enthusiasm of any other unexpected natural disaster. Not so. Perhaps we’re all just waiting to see what happens
An actual photograph of my fears
I suppose with me it’s just fear of the unknown. Here are some of my fears:
In the year 2010 the streets burn. When Boris re-introduces smoking in public, the trouble begins. Anti-smoking riots spring up all over the country. All the previously calm people, who had for so long put up with breathing the smoke of inconsiderate people, maintaining their Rizla-thin patience with the thought of the coming ban, finally snap.
At first there will be small instances of raised voices in pubs. Then fights will break out in restaurants, mainly between courses. Finally there will be the burning down of a cigarette factory. When Boris is asked about this, his response will be, quite literally, incendiary
"I wish I'd known they were going to do it.” He'll grin “I would have organised helicopter rides above the factory for smokers to get a free lung-full. Ha ha flibbittyflipflop."
This will be the final flippant comment, the last in a long series following questions on serious issues:
When asked how he justified scrapping the congestion charge, despite its clear contribution to reducing London’s emissions…
“Ah, well, ha ha, you see if we make a congestion charge for the road we need to make one for your nose when you have a cold and are congested. Ha! You see, its madness! It had to go. Ha ha flibbittyflipflop.”
And on how banning all alcohol consumption on public transport might be enforced…
“Ah, well, yes, of course. No, what people mustn't do is focus on the negatives. This is a simple problem, all we have to do is train those little rats on the tube to bite people whenever they see them with booze! You see? Simple! Ha ha flibbittyflipflop.”
I suppose my fears are unreasonable but it feels like I live inside a glass ball and someone has given it to a bear to hold. And that the bear is dancing. And mad.
Protected Polar Bears Will Kill Us All
Polar bears are now a registered 'endangered species' in America.
Personally I think it is a foolish decision. Polar bears are the only animal which has a specific strategy for hunting humans. They know to back us into a corner. Which is impressive but not as impressive as finding a corner to back us into on the vast ice planes in the first place. Perhaps they construct film set-esq corners into which to drive us. I wonder whether they make different corners depending on who you are, to make it easy to drive you in there?
Whether they look at us and think "Hmm, sharp suit, smells of coke and holding a blackberry; I better make it look like an over-priced penthouse"
or
"Hmm, skinny jeans, skinny face and asymmetric haircut; I better make it look like Hoxton"
or
"Hmm, stupid floppy hair, insane grin and inexplicable grip of power; I better make it look like London's City Hall."
I can't help wondering why they have been declared endangered in the States, I would have thought that in terms of rapidly disappearing American species the priority would be slim, intelligent people.
I wonder why they decided on Polar Bears instead of, I don't know, tigers or something else you don't see too often on the subway. Perhaps they made large contributions to George Bush's election campaign and he's finally getting around to thanking them.
No, it's Polar Bears and I have to assume it's because they have difficulty hailing cabs, don't like hot dogs and lost relatives in 9/11.