Alex Genn Concept to long copy and everything in between

The Pope and the truth

Let me ask you a question. If you were a crime-fighting vigilante, where would be the best place to hide? In a tree trunk? Maybe. In an enormous hat? Perhaps. But the correct answer is, of course, in plain sight.

I have been wondering if sometimes, just occasionally, when the Pope looks at the Popemobile, he thinks about the Batmobile and wonders what might have been. But I now realise that's not the case. He doesn’t have to wonder. His whole life is modelled on Batman's. Here are the facts:

1. We all know Italy is full of corrupt politicians. Rome's a dirty town and it needs cleaning up. Just like Gotham.

2. He's got a special car although this is perhaps the most pathetic part of his attempt to be Batman.

3. The Vatican is basically a huge mansion, beneath which there are huge vaults and crypts, equivalent to a cave. And don't tell me he doesn't have the money to deck them out with the latest equipment.

4. He's deliberately in the public eye. Like Bruce Wayne.

This is all the stone cold, undeniable truth, which strongly suggests he leads a double life as 'The Cross', "Doing God's work, one filthy secular criminal at a time". I'm sure he has throwing stars in the shape of a crucifix. His papal cap is probably detachable and able to decapitate enemies when thrown. He probably baptises children in a single bound and says mass faster than a speeding Anglican. His main weapon, of course, is making criminals feel very guilty, although this just makes them call their mum more often.

If you think all this is just rhetoric, remember, he's already got the military style training. And he wears a cape.