Hypocrite Oath
When people divorce things sometimes get a little unpleasant. Especially on the 'who gets what' side of things. Often if there is some animosity, there can be a degree of deliberate cruelty in taking something you know your soon to be 'ex' really values, even if you don't want it yourself.
However, while you might be thinking about CDs, pictures or silverware, one Dr Richard Batista (America) has taken things to a whole new level. He is demanding his wife returns the kidney he donated to her. Yes, he wants his kidney back.
The anatomy of greed
Presumably if she gets custody of the children, he is going to ask that the Y chromosomes he contributed to help produce them be extracted and returned to him in a jar labeled 'idiot'.
Of course he doesn't want the kidney back, he's using it as leverage to sue for more money. So I think she should call his bluff. She should leave the kidney outside his house on a plate (assuming he doesn't have a dog) and knock on his door. I'm sure the look on his face when he opens the door will be priceless, giving her a burst of hilarity and vital moral victory as her body starts to shut down.
The Real Terrorist Threat
Once again the world held it's breath as the shadow of terror fell over us all.
Thank the lord of all that is holy that this time, this time, sanity prevailed. The moderate, sensible voice of American conservative thinking has once more saved us from certain doom.
It seems there was a clear and present danger that a woman in an advert might have been allowed to wear a scarf.
Yes. You read that right, a scarf. DEMON.
This was not just any scarf though, oh no. This was the Osama Bin Laden of scarves. A scarf which is remorselessly black and white, which is sickening in it's tasseled edges. It looks a little bit like a traditional Arab keffiyeh scarf which is sometimes worn by terrorists. It's not one, it just looks a bit like one.
Thank god though for conservative America, which stamped it's massive feet and whipped up an outcry, so the ad has been pulled. Thank god they are focused on the important stuff. I'm sure at this very moment St Peter is putting a big 'tick' next to their names on the 'Who gets into heaven' list. Either that or laughing heartily at their malformed sense of right and wrong.
I don't see much wrong with lots of conservatism really, for example I like family values. However I can't help but notice a lack of consistency. Those same terrorists who wear scarves also hold guns. I haven't noticed any outcry from conservative America against guns.
Fair enough though. Guns don't kill people. Scarves do.
Now that I think about it those same terrorists wear shoes. SHOES! I might start a campaign to have all ads removed in which people wear shoes. Who's with me?
Protected Polar Bears Will Kill Us All
Polar bears are now a registered 'endangered species' in America.
Personally I think it is a foolish decision. Polar bears are the only animal which has a specific strategy for hunting humans. They know to back us into a corner. Which is impressive but not as impressive as finding a corner to back us into on the vast ice planes in the first place. Perhaps they construct film set-esq corners into which to drive us. I wonder whether they make different corners depending on who you are, to make it easy to drive you in there?
Whether they look at us and think "Hmm, sharp suit, smells of coke and holding a blackberry; I better make it look like an over-priced penthouse"
or
"Hmm, skinny jeans, skinny face and asymmetric haircut; I better make it look like Hoxton"
or
"Hmm, stupid floppy hair, insane grin and inexplicable grip of power; I better make it look like London's City Hall."
I can't help wondering why they have been declared endangered in the States, I would have thought that in terms of rapidly disappearing American species the priority would be slim, intelligent people.
I wonder why they decided on Polar Bears instead of, I don't know, tigers or something else you don't see too often on the subway. Perhaps they made large contributions to George Bush's election campaign and he's finally getting around to thanking them.
No, it's Polar Bears and I have to assume it's because they have difficulty hailing cabs, don't like hot dogs and lost relatives in 9/11.