Real Vampires. Real Fear…and Twilight
Vampires are real. Yes they are. This is not some on-line conspiracy theory. Nor is it a tall tail. It is a simple fact.
I'm not telling you that UFOs are abducting people. I'm not trying to convince you that people are turning into wolves underneath a full moon, I won't insult your intelligence. However, there is one who walks amongst us, a spectral creature of the night, who likely feasts on blood and disappears as smoke in the night. He is come.
Bee keeper or Vampire? You decide. No, actually I decide. He's a vampire.
Granted he doesn't look like your typical vision of a vampire. No sharp teeth. Conspicuous lack of cape. And I suspect, a somewhat underdeveloped ability to attract impressionable young virgins with his raw, sexual energy. But the fact remains, he is a vampire.
He may not have been seen drinking blood or turning into a bat for japes. He may be fine with crucifixes. However that proves nothing, as over the years numerous cultural interpretations of vampires have shown us a huge variety of differing, often conflicting, abilities, strengths and weaknesses.
The latest incarnation being from the Twilight films, in which vampires are pretty teens with nice sharp teeth which are slightly whiter than usual, who brood occasionally and quite like forests but not parents. I'd like to put one of them in a locked room with Christopher Lee or Max Shreck. Then we'd see who's the real vampire and who is a stain of fear, tears and excreta that no-one could can bothered to wipe up.
Anyway, the boy pictured is a proven vampire, not because of his fear of holy water (Simon Cowell), or sleeping in a coffin (Peter Mandleson) but because he can't be out in the sun too long or his skin burns JUST LIKE A VAMPIRE. In fact he constantly has to wear Factor 50 sun cream - EVEN INDOORS. That clearly proves it. He is truly one of the un-dead. I imagine the local pitch fork and fiery torch businesses are booming in his home town, which can only be good for the economy.
So there you have it, concrete proof. And the story of a little boy with an unusual skin condition, used as a weak excuse for some tedious ramblings. I think we all know who the real monster is here. The boy. Obviously. He's a bloody vampire.
Read about it here, if you really must. But don''t blame me for how dull life really is.
Meat War
The world is changing. Countries that we in the 'Developed World' previously thought of as barbarous and not even good for colonising are starting to blossom. And by blossom I do of course mean, attempting to keep pace with 'The West'. Which of course must not be tolerated.
The most significant aspect of this change is that, as previously less well-off countries become richer, their populations demand the food the rest of the world enjoys. That's right it's all about the meat. They're sick of rice or dust or children's tears or whatever it is they suck up through their malformed feeding holes and they want to eat the good stuff.
Yet as our brothers in newly 'rich' countries aim to draw level with us in the meat stakes (shut up), our rightly bloated, and Internets-conjoined 'First World' ego demands we eat ever more unusual meat, just to remind them how much better than them we remain.
So, here are the top ten meat meals we should be eating to prove we are still best...
10. Golden Eagle Burger with Lion Cub Eye Salsa
9. Komodo Dragon Balls Soup with Ring Tailed Lemur Balls Cake
8. White Tiger Curry with Orang-u-nan
7. Snow Leopard Chow Mein and Crispy Blue Whale Blowhole Pancakes
6. Black Rhino Jerky, washed down with Fresh Panda Essence (obtained using the extraction method favoured in the Dark Crystal)
But you know, the problem is, even when you're chomping down on the rarest meats, there's always going to be someone disproportionately rich in one of those "Look at us, look at, us we're not poor anymore, even though 87% of our population sleeps in an AIDS hat on a crisis infested straw mat" who can match you.
So with that in mind, we have to raise our game, go the extra mile and pull as many cliches as possible out of the virus protected hat. These are the foods to remind Johnny Third World just who is big bad ballsy best and who is a living crippled hope ....
5. Unicorn Flavour Pringles, with Ewok Dip
Unicorn - even comes with a free toothpick
4. Leprechaun Bolognaise with Shaved Obama-san
3. Ligur Kebabs in pitta bread made from the ground up bones of Sadam Hussein
2. Madeline McCann au Vin
1. Baby P and pickle sandwiches
Nom nom nom
‘Mare Boris
I wrote this just after Boris became Mayor of London. For some reason it wasn't published. So here it is now
I have now come to terms with the result of the London Mayoral election. I do not understand what happened but I thought I knew the consequences. I expected the roads to be filled with cars, over-burdened with bags and valued belongings, hurriedly gathered from dwellings, doors left swinging in the wind. Indeed I thought the coming of Boris would be greeted with the joy and enthusiasm of any other unexpected natural disaster. Not so. Perhaps we’re all just waiting to see what happens
An actual photograph of my fears
I suppose with me it’s just fear of the unknown. Here are some of my fears:
In the year 2010 the streets burn. When Boris re-introduces smoking in public, the trouble begins. Anti-smoking riots spring up all over the country. All the previously calm people, who had for so long put up with breathing the smoke of inconsiderate people, maintaining their Rizla-thin patience with the thought of the coming ban, finally snap.
At first there will be small instances of raised voices in pubs. Then fights will break out in restaurants, mainly between courses. Finally there will be the burning down of a cigarette factory. When Boris is asked about this, his response will be, quite literally, incendiary
"I wish I'd known they were going to do it.” He'll grin “I would have organised helicopter rides above the factory for smokers to get a free lung-full. Ha ha flibbittyflipflop."
This will be the final flippant comment, the last in a long series following questions on serious issues:
When asked how he justified scrapping the congestion charge, despite its clear contribution to reducing London’s emissions…
“Ah, well, ha ha, you see if we make a congestion charge for the road we need to make one for your nose when you have a cold and are congested. Ha! You see, its madness! It had to go. Ha ha flibbittyflipflop.”
And on how banning all alcohol consumption on public transport might be enforced…
“Ah, well, yes, of course. No, what people mustn't do is focus on the negatives. This is a simple problem, all we have to do is train those little rats on the tube to bite people whenever they see them with booze! You see? Simple! Ha ha flibbittyflipflop.”
I suppose my fears are unreasonable but it feels like I live inside a glass ball and someone has given it to a bear to hold. And that the bear is dancing. And mad.