Vermin Wars
in a galaxy far, far away
there was a parallel universe.
In that universe, Luke Skywalker was a gerbil, Princess Leia was a butterfly, Jabba the Hut was still a massive slug and Han Solo can be seen here:
It tastes exactly like carbonite.
Yes. It's a mouse someone found in some malt loaf. Must have been a great game of hide and seek. Bad place to hide though. Somewhere there's a very frustrated cat.
I like malt loaf. It's one of those things you're not suppsed to eat until you're at least 75. Still though by that time I should at least be able to cut it with a real working light sabre (mutters silent prayer to robo-god of the future).
Red Hot XXX Nun Action!
"PHHHWOAARRRRR LOOK AT THE HABIT ON THAT!!"
"COR BLIMEY I WOULDN'T MIND A RUB OF THAT ROSARY."
Yummy Nunny
Nuns eh? Come on...oh, you don't think of them as sexy?
Oh, how strange. Well perhaps that's becasue you're not Antonio Rungi an Italian priest who is organising a Nun Beauty Contest
Yes, you read that right, a Nun Beauty Contest. This may seem slightly weird and a little hypocritical but the Roman Catholic Church is NOT hypocritical. They pretty much stick to bible, word for word although sheltering Nazi war criminals is a pretty broad interpretation of 'turn the other cheek'.
Anyway, more importantly, do you think they'll do the swim wear section? I wonder if they'll wear them under their habits and the judges will have to just use their imagination?
I bet they'll all be really good at the bit where they have to say what they would do if they won... "I would use my tenure as Miss Hot Nun 2008/9 to pray extra hard and maybe help other nuns be even more stern."
Do you think the Pope will be a judge? Perhaps with Peter Stringfellow and Hue Hefner? That would be great. Perhaps they could hold the final at the Playboy Mansion?
I don't know why I'm surprised. In a world where Tony Blair can be a Middle East Peace Envoy I should be no more surprised by this than I would by the BNP organising a Holocaust memorial dinner.
The Real Terrorist Threat
Once again the world held it's breath as the shadow of terror fell over us all.
Thank the lord of all that is holy that this time, this time, sanity prevailed. The moderate, sensible voice of American conservative thinking has once more saved us from certain doom.
It seems there was a clear and present danger that a woman in an advert might have been allowed to wear a scarf.
Yes. You read that right, a scarf. DEMON.
This was not just any scarf though, oh no. This was the Osama Bin Laden of scarves. A scarf which is remorselessly black and white, which is sickening in it's tasseled edges. It looks a little bit like a traditional Arab keffiyeh scarf which is sometimes worn by terrorists. It's not one, it just looks a bit like one.
Thank god though for conservative America, which stamped it's massive feet and whipped up an outcry, so the ad has been pulled. Thank god they are focused on the important stuff. I'm sure at this very moment St Peter is putting a big 'tick' next to their names on the 'Who gets into heaven' list. Either that or laughing heartily at their malformed sense of right and wrong.
I don't see much wrong with lots of conservatism really, for example I like family values. However I can't help but notice a lack of consistency. Those same terrorists who wear scarves also hold guns. I haven't noticed any outcry from conservative America against guns.
Fair enough though. Guns don't kill people. Scarves do.
Now that I think about it those same terrorists wear shoes. SHOES! I might start a campaign to have all ads removed in which people wear shoes. Who's with me?
Was Christ’s Cross Made of Sustainable Wood?
My girlfriend is ‘green’. Do you know what it’s like to live with someone green?
I’m not asking if you know what it’s like living with the Incredible Hulk because I know what that would be like. Your time would be spent between the self-centred mood swings and incomprehensible quantum musings of Dr Banner and very expensive re-construction bills.
Neither am I asking you whether you have any idea what it would be like living with Kermit The Frog. I know that would make getting up in the morning a breath of joy as his joyfully light-hearted, life-proof spirit lifted even the darkest clouds. Although, thinking about the possibility of Miss Piggy coming around, that might be difficult. You know when you’re flat-sharing and your flat-mate has a ‘special friend’ and they are in the bedroom? And you can hear them? I think if I could hear Miss Piggy and Kermit I would be quite mentally scarred. I’m not sure anything prepares you for that.
Neither am I asking you what it might be like to live with the Jolly Green Giant. That would be ridiculous, he doesn’t exist, he’s just a cartoon advert.
No I’m talking 'eco-green'. These days most people are at least some shade of green but those, like my special girl, who have always been green, used to be mocked as silly hippies who valued badgers over people and had all the scientific understanding of ham. But it turned out they were right.
They were right. And so a nod of appreciation because not once have I heard an “I told you so” or anything like it, from her any other long-term green. They’re just happy to see you buying energy saving light bulbs.
Can you imagine if any other group, with a huge number of devotees but nevertheless ignored by the mainstream had finally been proved right? If for example, the Jehovah’s Witnesses actually had some scientific evidence to point to? Can you imagine how unbearable they would be? They’re already on my doorstep most weekend mornings. I imagine I would wake up and they’d be sitting on the end of the bed pointing at a grainy but independently validated photo of Christ walking on water juggling eight hundred loaves of fish. They would be talking in tongues but I would understand. Then I would realise I wasn’t on the bed but a huge wooden crucifix; and burnt into the top of the cross would be one word...‘See?’