Tube Strike – Solved by Prostitutes?
There's going to be a tube strike.
Why? Because the RMT (Rail, Maritime and Transport Union) is sulking. They've asked for something and been told "no". In fact they've asked for a 5% pay rise and a promise of no redundancies over the coming year. In the current economic climate that's like a fat white kid, sitting in an Ethiopian dust bowl asking for a third slice of cake, while surround by living skeletons to weak to brush the diseased flies off their eyes.
Of course the problem for most people is how to get to work, so here are some suggestions:
Boris Jonson, who, apparently, despite my repeatedly pinching and bitch-slapping myself appears to be Mayor of London, has greatly increased the amount of public transport along the Thames. So I suggest everyone surf to work on the back of a nuclear submarine.
Harness the power of Bob Crow (Leader of the RMT) by strapping yourself to his back and making him fly you to work. Unless he isn't actually a crow, which I doubt. Otherwise why would he be called that?
There are going to be "escorts to lead cyclists across the capital". What a great idea. Who better to help you get to work than a high class courtesan, with a beautiful body, cold dead eyes and nothing on her mind but the money in your wallet and a brief break from the beatings of her pimp?
Don't go to work, you don't like it anyway.
Meat War
The world is changing. Countries that we in the 'Developed World' previously thought of as barbarous and not even good for colonising are starting to blossom. And by blossom I do of course mean, attempting to keep pace with 'The West'. Which of course must not be tolerated.
The most significant aspect of this change is that, as previously less well-off countries become richer, their populations demand the food the rest of the world enjoys. That's right it's all about the meat. They're sick of rice or dust or children's tears or whatever it is they suck up through their malformed feeding holes and they want to eat the good stuff.
Yet as our brothers in newly 'rich' countries aim to draw level with us in the meat stakes (shut up), our rightly bloated, and Internets-conjoined 'First World' ego demands we eat ever more unusual meat, just to remind them how much better than them we remain.
So, here are the top ten meat meals we should be eating to prove we are still best...
10. Golden Eagle Burger with Lion Cub Eye Salsa
9. Komodo Dragon Balls Soup with Ring Tailed Lemur Balls Cake
8. White Tiger Curry with Orang-u-nan
7. Snow Leopard Chow Mein and Crispy Blue Whale Blowhole Pancakes
6. Black Rhino Jerky, washed down with Fresh Panda Essence (obtained using the extraction method favoured in the Dark Crystal)
But you know, the problem is, even when you're chomping down on the rarest meats, there's always going to be someone disproportionately rich in one of those "Look at us, look at, us we're not poor anymore, even though 87% of our population sleeps in an AIDS hat on a crisis infested straw mat" who can match you.
So with that in mind, we have to raise our game, go the extra mile and pull as many cliches as possible out of the virus protected hat. These are the foods to remind Johnny Third World just who is big bad ballsy best and who is a living crippled hope ....
5. Unicorn Flavour Pringles, with Ewok Dip
Unicorn - even comes with a free toothpick
4. Leprechaun Bolognaise with Shaved Obama-san
3. Ligur Kebabs in pitta bread made from the ground up bones of Sadam Hussein
2. Madeline McCann au Vin
1. Baby P and pickle sandwiches
Nom nom nom
Nanny State?
Do we have a nanny state? I don't think so. I believe it is fairly easy to tell whether or not we do, the signs would be as follows:
- Mary Poppins clears the scum off the streets by wiggling her nose. She then makes an audacious and wildly popular move to seize power, explaining that a spoonful of sugar helps democracy die down.
- The army is replaced by a throng of dancing animated penguins and the police force is replaced by small squadrons of soot-faced chimney sweeps, with dubious cockney accents and hearts of gold.
- Full financial recovery is achieved within months as the city's bankers are given some first-hand lessons in what is really important in life.
- The issue of binge drinking is resolved with the plummet in alcohol sales as a result of young people realising they can get high (up) simply by telling weak jokes and laughing hysterically.
- Umbrellas start talking.
Those are the signs of a nanny state. It is not here yet but I suggest we are all mindful. I'm sure we'd all rather have an overzealous government hell bent on eradicating our human rights under the guise of protection than have to ask Dick Van Dyke for directions.
Abba Will Kill Me
I'm going for sushi tonight. It's highly likely that while I am there someone will kill me. There won't be any fuss. It will be very quiet, it won't happen immediately but my fate will be sealed.
Of course I'm not talking about my lovely girlfriend who'll be there without, I hope, murderous intent. No I'm talking about the Polonium B pushing Russian secret service. They are going to kill me, I know this because what I am about to write is the kind of information that could bring Russia crashing to it's knees.
I could forget what I know. I could look the other way. I could. But I won't. I owe it it to you. I owe it to myself.
So, this is it. Four little words: Putin danced to Abba.
"Whoa! Get down! If you ever speak of this I'll make a hat from your lungs"
There, I've done it, that is a relief. He denies it of course. As would anyone who had danced to Abba, (yes, yes, it's great pop, but it's still as musically interesting as sand) or who set up a private concert with Abba tributary Bjorn Again.
God bless.
Read it here last.
Obama: The Facts
Wow. I never thought I'd see the day. A black president. They'll be teaching women to read next. No it's really rather special, so to mark to occasion here are some OBAMA-FACTS.
1. When Obama is enraged his elbow spikes emerge, ready to repel enemies.
2. When Obama senses attack, projectile-resistant scales immediately cover his whole (oh yeah) body.
3. When Obama hears a child cry, a sub-sonic wave of tear-blasting sympathy is automatically emitted from his spinal column.
4. When Obama sees any form of prejudice his eyes immediately emit a solid beam of pure empathy into the offending party, ensuring immediate regret, apologies and financial compensation.
5. When Obama uncovers an environmental catastrophe he immediately inhales in it's direction, sucking it up and instantly neutralising all forms of toxicity within his purity of spirit.
6. When Obama sees children fight in the street a vision of blood and pain involving their parents and pets is immediately delivered into their minds via Obamalepathy (like telepathy only much more pure and strong).
7. When Obama cries, he cries bullets of justice and steely determination.
8. When Obama meets foreign dignitaries, they feel dirty; until they shake his hand. Then they feel clean.
9. When Obama encounters a financial crisis, his body immediately modifies to ensure he eats failing companies and excretes money.
10. When Obama sees starving children on TV, a piece of his soul is automatically transmitted to them which will nourish them for years to come.
Gordon Brown’s Economic Relief Package…
...is not as good as mine.
In every media channel, every day all you here is 'The worst financial disaster since the war' or words to that effect. They don't mention which war but I'm not sure that matters. However, there is a solution, inspired by that phrase; we simply invade Switzerland.
Stage one complete. Next we take back America...
I know, it seems radical but there are many reasons why this is the perfect solution to our predicament:
- They have loads of money.
- They are neutral, having no protective treaties, we don't need to worry about any military repercussions.
- We need to remind Russia who is the original and best at invading sovereign states (they may have forgotten about Iraq).
- They have really good chocolate.
- They have loads of money.
This bold strategy would not only safeguard our economy but re-establish Britain as the Empire Building Super Nation we would all like to believe we really are.
If you think we should invade Switzerland as a solution to our financial and national self esteem issues sign up to the petition here.
The Real Terrorist Threat
Once again the world held it's breath as the shadow of terror fell over us all.
Thank the lord of all that is holy that this time, this time, sanity prevailed. The moderate, sensible voice of American conservative thinking has once more saved us from certain doom.
It seems there was a clear and present danger that a woman in an advert might have been allowed to wear a scarf.
Yes. You read that right, a scarf. DEMON.
This was not just any scarf though, oh no. This was the Osama Bin Laden of scarves. A scarf which is remorselessly black and white, which is sickening in it's tasseled edges. It looks a little bit like a traditional Arab keffiyeh scarf which is sometimes worn by terrorists. It's not one, it just looks a bit like one.
Thank god though for conservative America, which stamped it's massive feet and whipped up an outcry, so the ad has been pulled. Thank god they are focused on the important stuff. I'm sure at this very moment St Peter is putting a big 'tick' next to their names on the 'Who gets into heaven' list. Either that or laughing heartily at their malformed sense of right and wrong.
I don't see much wrong with lots of conservatism really, for example I like family values. However I can't help but notice a lack of consistency. Those same terrorists who wear scarves also hold guns. I haven't noticed any outcry from conservative America against guns.
Fair enough though. Guns don't kill people. Scarves do.
Now that I think about it those same terrorists wear shoes. SHOES! I might start a campaign to have all ads removed in which people wear shoes. Who's with me?
Election Fever
It's a funny thing because I consider myself relatively politically informed, aware and interested. I say relatively because most of my generation have made political apathy a life vocation, or at least they would if they could be bothered. The thing is, I've been reading up on all the candidates, trying to find reasons to vote for one. Here's the run down:
First there are the easy strike-offs:
The BNP who are still looking conspicuously uncomfortable in suits. Like if you put a bow tie on a snake, it looks OK, but you know something's not right. They are apparently keen that the "real Londoner" be put first. I think this would be a very sensible policy, if they meant that real Londoners should come before imaginary Londoners, but I don't think they mean that. I really don't.
Then there's 'Christian Choice'. I'm sure they have their hearts in the right place but I think God should stay out of politics and I'm sure he agrees with me; because he told me.
Then there's UKIP, whose name reminds me of kippers although being a mature adult I can see past that. Just. A vote for them is also about saying a big fat 'NO' to Europe. As if Europe is some kind of demon on our doorstep waiting to envelope us. They seem terrified that greater involvement will mean
we'll all be forced to wear berets, our soap will smell of garlic and beer will only be available by the cubic millimetre; and then, just like the French and Germans, we will start eating babies and raping post boxes.There's a Green candidate who is talking a lot of sense. And if you're at a loss for what to do it's not a bad vote but for me, the problem is, while green issues are more important than anything else at the moment, I can't bring myself to vote for a single issue party. I always wonder what they do about everything else. I imagine a conversation at some point in the future...
"Hooray, we've stabilised global food output against consumption and normalised global warming!""Great! So what are we going to do about the NHS?"
"Er...Look a Chaffinch!" Cue sound of hurried footsteps receding into the distance.
So that's my problem there. Which isn't going to make me popular with a lot of people, my girlfriend included.
There's a new thing called the English Democrats. They seem very concerned that our taxes are being spent in Scotland, convincing us with clever alliteration "Save London from Labour's Tartan Taxes". They are "Not Left or Right, just English"
and they want to make St George's day a national holiday. I don't think anyone takes the guy seriously including himself but I'm tempted to vote for him just because in his photo he looks like a strangely self-assured failed porn star. Wearing Marx's beard is the 'Left List'. To be honest there's not much wrong with this lot. Socialism is the opposite of capitalism and capitalism is what drives us all to want what we can't have, hate ourselves for not being celebrities and spend all our money on crap. Socialism makes sure everyone is looked after. It's as simple as that. So I like it. In theory. Unfortunately I don't think it's ever been made to work properly and there's the problem. Whenever anyone is openly 'left' all people think of is Communist Russia crumbling, which seemed to prove Socialism didn't work. And we, the wide-eyed, self-congratulatory Capitalist West, jizzed ourselves with joy as internationally dominant burger restaurants and soft drinks companies moved in to start telling the Russian populace how much better life could be if they just bought their products. Of course all it proved was that Communist Russia didn't work, because it was corrupt. And that people like rat-burgers more than equality. I think it might be a wasted vote.So once you discount the single issues, wasted votes, flag wavers, Neo-Nazis and isolationists you are left with the usual suspects. Here they are with their pitch:
Lib Dem Brian wants: Safer Streets, safer public transport and safer green spaces. (point of difference: No more Heathrow expansion)
Labour 's Ken wants: Better public transport, improved environment and safer streets. (Point of difference: Job experience)
Tory Boris wants: Safer streets. Better, safer public transport and protected green spaces. (Point of difference - Scrap £25 Congestion Charge)
So that's why it's difficult to care or even drag yourself to the voting booth. All the main candidates are much of a muchness, apart from their little points of difference which are not enough to sway me either way really. They have all identified the issues that are important to us. They all have slightly different ideas on how to achieve the same things. The problem is, I have no idea who's ideas on how to achieve those things are best and why would I? I'm not a sociologist and I haven't studied environmental development. I haven't even got glasses like all brainy people do. I just don't know.
So all I can do is take a punt. Force myself to be interested, vote and remind myself it is key to exercising my right to complain. I suggest you do the same.
NOTE:
Brian Paddick (Lib Dem) will "Bring London's Public Transport into the 21st century"
If he means we are going to have flying cars, or teleporters he is getting my vote. If not, he's still a maybe.
Olympic Pain
WOOOOO HOOOOO the Olympic flame has made it to China!
So what? Was there any kind of doubt it would make it? Surely if it had gone out they could have just lit it again? Or maybe not. Perhaps there is some kind of international flame embargo I don't know about. Perhaps established by over-zealous firemen. Are there firemen who like putting fires out so much that they start them sometimes, just to put them out? I wonder if you get lots of pyromaniacs in the fire service, who love the fires but are always secretly disappointed to see the flames die?
Anyway, there is clearly no international flame embargo so what were they worried about in ? Have they got some sort of national Chinese match shortage? If so that shows a staggering lack of foresight whether or not they have the Olympics coming up. I'm sure they could have got some by swapping some rice. Or tea. Or plastic crap no-one needs.
The real issue here, of course, is the Chinese human rights record and Tibet. There has been real pressure on the Chinese not to be heavy handed with Tibetan protesters. However in reality it's the Chinese police who need to watch out. They're skating on very thin ice. Sure, they may be heavily armed, they may be trained to the highest standard and enjoy a degree of viciousness (ironically) verging on religious zeal when dealing with those opposing the state but they shouldn't mess with those monks.
You may be thinking "They're monks! What are they going to do? Chant loudly?" That however, would be to significantly underestimate them. If you don't believe me, simply check out any Kung Fu film. It's always the monks you have to watch out for. Sure they're quiet, yeah, they keep themselves to themselves, but provoke them beyond a certain point and you'll be picking bits of your broken self up off the floor with a hand snapped in half, while a monk sits back down in the corner and chuckles.
I imagine the Dalai Lama* is at this very moment, standing in front of a courtyard full of monks, each going through their Kung Fu moves, in unison, while he looks on, pleased but biding his time.
*Not actually a lama