Vermin Wars
in a galaxy far, far away
there was a parallel universe.
In that universe, Luke Skywalker was a gerbil, Princess Leia was a butterfly, Jabba the Hut was still a massive slug and Han Solo can be seen here:
It tastes exactly like carbonite.
Yes. It's a mouse someone found in some malt loaf. Must have been a great game of hide and seek. Bad place to hide though. Somewhere there's a very frustrated cat.
I like malt loaf. It's one of those things you're not suppsed to eat until you're at least 75. Still though by that time I should at least be able to cut it with a real working light sabre (mutters silent prayer to robo-god of the future).
Meat War
The world is changing. Countries that we in the 'Developed World' previously thought of as barbarous and not even good for colonising are starting to blossom. And by blossom I do of course mean, attempting to keep pace with 'The West'. Which of course must not be tolerated.
The most significant aspect of this change is that, as previously less well-off countries become richer, their populations demand the food the rest of the world enjoys. That's right it's all about the meat. They're sick of rice or dust or children's tears or whatever it is they suck up through their malformed feeding holes and they want to eat the good stuff.
Yet as our brothers in newly 'rich' countries aim to draw level with us in the meat stakes (shut up), our rightly bloated, and Internets-conjoined 'First World' ego demands we eat ever more unusual meat, just to remind them how much better than them we remain.
So, here are the top ten meat meals we should be eating to prove we are still best...
10. Golden Eagle Burger with Lion Cub Eye Salsa
9. Komodo Dragon Balls Soup with Ring Tailed Lemur Balls Cake
8. White Tiger Curry with Orang-u-nan
7. Snow Leopard Chow Mein and Crispy Blue Whale Blowhole Pancakes
6. Black Rhino Jerky, washed down with Fresh Panda Essence (obtained using the extraction method favoured in the Dark Crystal)
But you know, the problem is, even when you're chomping down on the rarest meats, there's always going to be someone disproportionately rich in one of those "Look at us, look at, us we're not poor anymore, even though 87% of our population sleeps in an AIDS hat on a crisis infested straw mat" who can match you.
So with that in mind, we have to raise our game, go the extra mile and pull as many cliches as possible out of the virus protected hat. These are the foods to remind Johnny Third World just who is big bad ballsy best and who is a living crippled hope ....
5. Unicorn Flavour Pringles, with Ewok Dip
Unicorn - even comes with a free toothpick
4. Leprechaun Bolognaise with Shaved Obama-san
3. Ligur Kebabs in pitta bread made from the ground up bones of Sadam Hussein
2. Madeline McCann au Vin
1. Baby P and pickle sandwiches
Nom nom nom
Filthy Crack Whore Elephant. Probably.
There was an elephant who was addicted to heroin. That's not a joke.
It's true.
It must have been a very rich elephant as I expect he needed a lot of heroin to get high. I wonder what a desperate drug addict elephant does to buy his fix?
The real danger is when he gets the munchies
Presumably he's sold off his own ivory, having carved it out of his head in the filthy toilet of some pub. But after that? What then?
Did he try to get the ivory from his friends and family?
"Come on giz a lend of it mate, you ain't using it. I'll bring it back I promise"
"No Nelly! And you can put that stereo down right now."
I imagine he eventually had to turn to crime. That's probably how he got caught, they aren't careful when they're breaking and entering, we've all heard about them leaving their footprints in the butter.
Penguin mocks Alan Sugar
A Penguin has been knighted.
I’m not going to bother writing much more about that. I very much doubt I could add anything to the comedic majesty of the simple truth that, once again, a penguin has been knighted.
You eye-ballin' my son?
Why? You don’t care.
How? Who knows? Does it matter? No.
The truth, if you can handle it and I don’t think you can but anyway, is that a penguin has been knighted. That’s a fact.
It’s brilliant on so many levels but mostly because it devalues the same honour, given to ‘Sir’ Alan Sugar, whose other achievements include being grumpy and losing money on inventions which no one wants.
Read about it here.
Protected Polar Bears Will Kill Us All
Polar bears are now a registered 'endangered species' in America.
Personally I think it is a foolish decision. Polar bears are the only animal which has a specific strategy for hunting humans. They know to back us into a corner. Which is impressive but not as impressive as finding a corner to back us into on the vast ice planes in the first place. Perhaps they construct film set-esq corners into which to drive us. I wonder whether they make different corners depending on who you are, to make it easy to drive you in there?
Whether they look at us and think "Hmm, sharp suit, smells of coke and holding a blackberry; I better make it look like an over-priced penthouse"
or
"Hmm, skinny jeans, skinny face and asymmetric haircut; I better make it look like Hoxton"
or
"Hmm, stupid floppy hair, insane grin and inexplicable grip of power; I better make it look like London's City Hall."
I can't help wondering why they have been declared endangered in the States, I would have thought that in terms of rapidly disappearing American species the priority would be slim, intelligent people.
I wonder why they decided on Polar Bears instead of, I don't know, tigers or something else you don't see too often on the subway. Perhaps they made large contributions to George Bush's election campaign and he's finally getting around to thanking them.
No, it's Polar Bears and I have to assume it's because they have difficulty hailing cabs, don't like hot dogs and lost relatives in 9/11.