Jade Goody: Cancer?
A lot of people have said to me that it was rather coincidental that Jade Goody died on Mother's Day, a PR man's dream. Some of those people have suggested that it would significantly have benefited Max Clifford's reputation as a PR mogul. One of them even suggested that he might have waited until her family left the room and then quietly but quite deliberately held a pillow over her face to speed her delivery to the hereafter.
The pillow?
Personally I don't believe that and think it's a terrible defamation of Max Clifford's unimpeachable character. I abhor all those claims and air them here only to refute them in the strongest possible terms.
I do however believe Jade got cancer deliberately, probably by sleeping inside a microwave oven, because let's face it, that makes for a better story and snappier headline than, 'Talentless nothing, famed for no reason, fades back into the obscurity she had no right to leave behind."
The Dangers of Dieting
I’m dieting at the moment. It’s a common story, I (still) need to lose the Christmas pounds and shouting at them doesn’t appear to be scaring them off. I had a tin of Pea and Ham soup for lunch. I might have to eat a piece of bread later. Otherwise I'll be ravenous when I get home and inhale dinner.
If I'm still hungry I'll probably eat one of my girlfriend’s arms and then she’ll be all like “Ow, ow, oh God, oh Jesus there's so much blood, there's so much blood, what the hell are you doing?! You ate my arm!”
And I'd be all like “Nom, nom, nom, munch, chomp, chomp.”
She’ll be screaming and crying and stuff and then eventually once I’m full I might feel sorry and try to make it up to her by getting the little hand-held kitchen vacuum and shoving it into her bloody stump. It would probably still work because it’s cordless and maybe we could find a way to charge it from her heart, which would be more eco-friendly, which is quite important to her.
But then after a while it probably wouldn't work and she might feint from the strain or blood loss or something and then I would probably just have some chips which would ruin my diet and I really wouldn't appreciate her not helping so maybe it’s worth her remembering that, so she can try to be less selfish in future.