Filthy Crack Whore Elephant. Probably.
There was an elephant who was addicted to heroin. That's not a joke.
It's true.
It must have been a very rich elephant as I expect he needed a lot of heroin to get high. I wonder what a desperate drug addict elephant does to buy his fix?
The real danger is when he gets the munchies
Presumably he's sold off his own ivory, having carved it out of his head in the filthy toilet of some pub. But after that? What then?
Did he try to get the ivory from his friends and family?
"Come on giz a lend of it mate, you ain't using it. I'll bring it back I promise"
"No Nelly! And you can put that stereo down right now."
I imagine he eventually had to turn to crime. That's probably how he got caught, they aren't careful when they're breaking and entering, we've all heard about them leaving their footprints in the butter.
No sex or violence. Or fun.
I have a friend who works in one of those multi-national corporations. You know the type, they make enough money every ten minutes to eradicate world hunger but spend it on branded paper clips. It's the kind of place where your emails are filtered for key words which might suggest creative thought, political feelings or any type of individualism.
So when I email him he often reminds me to be careful what I write, so as not to get him in trouble. Of course that's like asking Hitler to become a Rabbi; unlikely, for so many reasons.
In my desire not to lose him his job I manage to restrain but have often been given pause for thought as to what the least 'safe for work' email might contain. Presuming the exclusion of images and expletives, which would lead to the message being automatically filtered, I like to think it would be something like this:
Hi mate
How was your weekend? Did you manage to bury that little girl's body OK? I know the spot I recommended is pretty isolated but you do get the occasional dog walker, should be OK though.
I had a pretty chilled out one, spent Saturday fisting a dwarf with a severed pigs trotter in a synagogue. Then on Sunday we did some gardening and watched a video. That one you made with your brother, where you violate the unborn baby. It really got us both in the mood ; )
Quick question, when you hit your wife does it make her cook better? I always presume it does but I'd like to be sure.
Anyway have a good day
Lex
That's just off the top of my head, if you're reading this and you think you can improve on it send an email to lex@lexgenn.com and if any are particularly amazing I'll publish them here.
Gordon Brown’s Economic Relief Package…
...is not as good as mine.
In every media channel, every day all you here is 'The worst financial disaster since the war' or words to that effect. They don't mention which war but I'm not sure that matters. However, there is a solution, inspired by that phrase; we simply invade Switzerland.
Stage one complete. Next we take back America...
I know, it seems radical but there are many reasons why this is the perfect solution to our predicament:
- They have loads of money.
- They are neutral, having no protective treaties, we don't need to worry about any military repercussions.
- We need to remind Russia who is the original and best at invading sovereign states (they may have forgotten about Iraq).
- They have really good chocolate.
- They have loads of money.
This bold strategy would not only safeguard our economy but re-establish Britain as the Empire Building Super Nation we would all like to believe we really are.
If you think we should invade Switzerland as a solution to our financial and national self esteem issues sign up to the petition here.