The Real Terrorist Threat
Once again the world held it's breath as the shadow of terror fell over us all.
Thank the lord of all that is holy that this time, this time, sanity prevailed. The moderate, sensible voice of American conservative thinking has once more saved us from certain doom.
It seems there was a clear and present danger that a woman in an advert might have been allowed to wear a scarf.
Yes. You read that right, a scarf. DEMON.
This was not just any scarf though, oh no. This was the Osama Bin Laden of scarves. A scarf which is remorselessly black and white, which is sickening in it's tasseled edges. It looks a little bit like a traditional Arab keffiyeh scarf which is sometimes worn by terrorists. It's not one, it just looks a bit like one.
Thank god though for conservative America, which stamped it's massive feet and whipped up an outcry, so the ad has been pulled. Thank god they are focused on the important stuff. I'm sure at this very moment St Peter is putting a big 'tick' next to their names on the 'Who gets into heaven' list. Either that or laughing heartily at their malformed sense of right and wrong.
I don't see much wrong with lots of conservatism really, for example I like family values. However I can't help but notice a lack of consistency. Those same terrorists who wear scarves also hold guns. I haven't noticed any outcry from conservative America against guns.
Fair enough though. Guns don't kill people. Scarves do.
Now that I think about it those same terrorists wear shoes. SHOES! I might start a campaign to have all ads removed in which people wear shoes. Who's with me?
RIP Captain Birds Eye
The actor who played the original Captain Birds Eye has died. No jokes about him being made into fish fingers as his last request please. Let’s show a little respect for a Captain who in 1993 was voted the most recognised captain after Captain Cook in a UK poll.
Quite an achievement but for me it puts his death in a new light. Think about it, Captain Kirk didn’t even get to second place. He must have been pretty bitter about that. I detect a motive. Where was William Shatner the night Captain Birds Eye died? I’m sure he claims he was somewhere else advertising cereal but with access to a teleporter, who knows?
That Captain Cook came first is a surprise, who would even recognise him? Now Captain Hook, that’s a different matter, he’s very memorable; curly hair, fear of clocks, massive hook obviously, very distinct. Now that I think about it, he’s another one with a motive.
Then there's Captain Caveman. Say what you like, he's a savage. Sure it's all little pink dinosaurs here and saving the day there but don't tell me that sometimes his Neanderthal rage doesn't bubble to the surface with the force of a volcano. He could have hidden the corpse in his club.
Anyway, he'll be missed.
Why People Hate Blogs
Since I started writing this blog and telling people about it I have encountered a lot of negativity toward blogging.
I've been trying to understand it and I think I have the answer (I promise didn't make this up)...
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The Zit On My Bald Spot
| Written by F. Lawrence Caslin | |
| Wednesday, 14 May 2008 | |
  Yeah, you read it right. I got a zit on my bald spot.It just showed up one day. Out of nowhere.
The one place I don't exfoliate. Guess who found it? |
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| Read more... |
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...Read more? Read more? Are you f*%£ing joking? I'd be more inclined to click the link if it said 'kill yourself'. That would at least save me from sharing a planet with him. In case you're interested (punch yourself), his mum found it. Not surprising as he probably still lives with her.
This type of thing is why so many people think blogging is for ego-centric idiots who can't make a distinction between the minutia of their lives and having something interesting to say. He found a spot so he thought he'd tell the world. I mean come on, really, you wouldn't even mention it to your deaf cat. And if you did your feline friend would have every reason to wait till you were asleep and defecate in your mouth.
The Great Debate: Animal-Human Embryos
We are on the edge of a precipice. Or the dawn of a new day.
One of the two.
Animal-human embryo research may herald the greatest ever medical advances against long incurable diseases like cancer, which have for so long haunted humanity. Or it may lead to a Franken-future in which we will see the birth of a little boy with a tiger's tail, a rhino with a child's face and a panda with the aggressive heart of Michael Portillo.
Hopefully both.
Protected Polar Bears Will Kill Us All
Polar bears are now a registered 'endangered species' in America.
Personally I think it is a foolish decision. Polar bears are the only animal which has a specific strategy for hunting humans. They know to back us into a corner. Which is impressive but not as impressive as finding a corner to back us into on the vast ice planes in the first place. Perhaps they construct film set-esq corners into which to drive us. I wonder whether they make different corners depending on who you are, to make it easy to drive you in there?
Whether they look at us and think "Hmm, sharp suit, smells of coke and holding a blackberry; I better make it look like an over-priced penthouse"
or
"Hmm, skinny jeans, skinny face and asymmetric haircut; I better make it look like Hoxton"
or
"Hmm, stupid floppy hair, insane grin and inexplicable grip of power; I better make it look like London's City Hall."
I can't help wondering why they have been declared endangered in the States, I would have thought that in terms of rapidly disappearing American species the priority would be slim, intelligent people.
I wonder why they decided on Polar Bears instead of, I don't know, tigers or something else you don't see too often on the subway. Perhaps they made large contributions to George Bush's election campaign and he's finally getting around to thanking them.
No, it's Polar Bears and I have to assume it's because they have difficulty hailing cabs, don't like hot dogs and lost relatives in 9/11.
Was Christ’s Cross Made of Sustainable Wood?
My girlfriend is ‘green’. Do you know what it’s like to live with someone green?
I’m not asking if you know what it’s like living with the Incredible Hulk because I know what that would be like. Your time would be spent between the self-centred mood swings and incomprehensible quantum musings of Dr Banner and very expensive re-construction bills.
Neither am I asking you whether you have any idea what it would be like living with Kermit The Frog. I know that would make getting up in the morning a breath of joy as his joyfully light-hearted, life-proof spirit lifted even the darkest clouds. Although, thinking about the possibility of Miss Piggy coming around, that might be difficult. You know when you’re flat-sharing and your flat-mate has a ‘special friend’ and they are in the bedroom? And you can hear them? I think if I could hear Miss Piggy and Kermit I would be quite mentally scarred. I’m not sure anything prepares you for that.
Neither am I asking you what it might be like to live with the Jolly Green Giant. That would be ridiculous, he doesn’t exist, he’s just a cartoon advert.
No I’m talking 'eco-green'. These days most people are at least some shade of green but those, like my special girl, who have always been green, used to be mocked as silly hippies who valued badgers over people and had all the scientific understanding of ham. But it turned out they were right.
They were right. And so a nod of appreciation because not once have I heard an “I told you so” or anything like it, from her any other long-term green. They’re just happy to see you buying energy saving light bulbs.
Can you imagine if any other group, with a huge number of devotees but nevertheless ignored by the mainstream had finally been proved right? If for example, the Jehovah’s Witnesses actually had some scientific evidence to point to? Can you imagine how unbearable they would be? They’re already on my doorstep most weekend mornings. I imagine I would wake up and they’d be sitting on the end of the bed pointing at a grainy but independently validated photo of Christ walking on water juggling eight hundred loaves of fish. They would be talking in tongues but I would understand. Then I would realise I wasn’t on the bed but a huge wooden crucifix; and burnt into the top of the cross would be one word...‘See?’